You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
