I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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