i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
