probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
