i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
