Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
