he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I use my feet as sexual weapons
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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