Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
