The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
