the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
