God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
