Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
