if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
