Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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