Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
