If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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