i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
