Swine flu. Run for my life!
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
