im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Operation Purity has been aborted
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
