She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
