i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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