btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
