Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
