mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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