I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
