fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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