I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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