While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
