I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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