I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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