I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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