I only kidnapped one of them. chill
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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