ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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