1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.