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Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
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