My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
