When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
