i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
