She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
