My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
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