Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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