YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
