Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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