Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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