apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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