Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
