3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
