Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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