Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
