I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
