Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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