either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
