I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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