I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
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Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
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Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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