Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
