come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
