i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
