You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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