She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
