i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
