I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
