Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
